Technique #7: How To Set Realistic Goals For Social Anxiety

Part of the Series “10 Powerful Techniques To Overcome Social Anxiety”

Social anxiety can significantly impact your daily life, making social interactions and public situations feel fearful and overwhelming. Fortunately, there are practical strategies to help reduce social anxiety and build your confidence. 

In this multi-part blog series, I am covering ten powerful and effective techniques to help you reduce social anxiety symptoms. 

Today’s technique #7 is how to set realistic goals for overcoming social anxiety.

If you want to catch up on this blog series, so far we have covered:

• Intro: What social anxiety is, and why it’s important to manage it. 
• Technique #1: Breathing.
• Technique #2: Modifying negative thoughts.
• Technique #3: Exposure techniques.
• Technique #4: Enhancing Social Skills.
• Technique #5: Mindfulness. 
• Technique #6: Preparation and Practice. 

Each of these ten strategies includes actionable steps to implement in your daily life. Following these steps can help you to improve your social interactions and decrease your social anxiety. 

Whether you’re facing anxiety at social gatherings, work meetings, or casual conversations, these techniques can provide the tools you need to navigate social situations with less anxiety and more self-assurance.

Welcome to technique #7: How to Set Realistic Goals to overcome social anxiety. In this post we will cover ten tips to help you set realistic goals when it comes to social anxiety.  

Ten Tips to Set Realistic Goals for Social Anxiety

    1. Think of “Set realistic goals” as “What can I do right now?” 

• You have enough discomfort and distress living with social anxiety. Although overcoming it does require going outside your comfort zone, surprisingly you want to minimize your discomfort by choosing goals that feel as easy as possible.  
• In this light, begin by setting small, achievable goals that are within or barely beyond your current comfort zone. Examples include initiating a short conversation with a familiar acquaintance, attending a small social gathering with close friends, or making eye contact and smiling at strangers.
• Start where you are, instead of where you aspire to be. These small steps will lead you where you ultimately want to go. 

2. Be specific and concrete with your goals

• Clearly define your goals in specific terms, including who, what, when, and where.
• For instance, instead of setting a vague goal like “talk to more people,” specify actions such as “say hi in passing to three people per day” and “talk to a coworker for at least three minutes during lunch.”
• This level of specificity actually helps tame anxiety by removing ambiguity. (After all, what does “Talk to more people” even mean? And when have you accomplished it?) 

3. As you meet your smaller goals, the “more difficult” ones gradually appear easier!

• Although you will increase the difficulty of your goals over time, the successes you experience with your smaller, easier goals make these more challenging situations feel doable. Your comfort zone is expanding. 
• Remember, your confidence and skills are growing with each step. This gradual approach prevents overwhelm and promotes steady progress. 
• For example, right now the idea of walking into a crowded party and initiating small talk with a stranger might feel impossible, or like it would trigger a panic attack. That is exactly why you’re not starting with this party.
• But in several weeks or months, with dozens of smaller accomplishments under your belt, this hypothetical party will feel like one small step past your comfort zone. Future you will set realistic goals that current you can’t imagine! 

4. Focus on process, not outcome

• Emphasize the process of taking action, rather than solely focusing on the outcome. In other words, acknowledge your efforts and progress regardless of the outcome.
• Each step you take contributes to your growth, but it can be easy to brush off small steps. Remember, they really add up!
• So, if you did indeed have that three-minute conversation with a coworker at lunch, but it felt awkward, congratulate yourself anyway. You did it! It’s a brick in the road of your recovery. 

5. Set SMART goals

• You may be familiar with the SMART goal criteria, and for good reason; it’s an effective way to set realistic goals. Using the SMART goal criteria means setting goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. 
• Here is an example of a SMART goal: “Attend the XYZ networking event and engage in conversation with at least two people within the next month.” 
• Here are the reasons why the above goal is SMART: 
  • Specific: there is a certain event or situation identified
  • Measurable: you can say for sure whether the goal was attained (e.g., showing up, having a conversation)
  • Achievable: you are capable of attending and talking to others. You have the transportation, you speak the language, you are not out of town, etc. 
  • Relevant: a networking event involves socializing, and your goal is related to social anxiety, so attending this event is relevant
  • Time-bound: the event is being held within the timeframe of your goal, and you confirmed that the XYZ networking event is scheduled within the next month. 

6. Break larger goals into smaller, actionable steps. 

• Small goals are simply more manageable and less intimidating. For example, let’s say that your goal is to attend your friend’s cookout in three weeks. If you treat this as one goal – “Go to the cookout” – the cookout might loom over you, creating weeks of anticipatory anxiety. You may arrive, white-knuckle your way through a brief stay, and leave as soon as possible. You didn’t feel prepared, and the only relief you felt was when you left. 
• You accomplished the goal of attending the cookout, but you may have sent your nervous system a message that social situations are dangerous and best avoided. This messages sets you up to feel even more anxious in the future.  
• Breaking this event down into smaller goals gives you actionable steps to achieve leading up to the bigger goal, instead of just counting down the days with dread. It helps you arrive for the bigger end goal feeling less anxious and more prepared. 
• Small goals you might set for this cookout include:
  • knowing what you are bringing to the event (potato salad? Ice?),
  • picking out what you’ll wear that you feel comfortable and confident in,
  • Researching a few current topics to discuss,
  • Practicing the particular social skills that tend to trip you up,
  • Rehearsing some questions to ask people, and 
  • Practice breathing exercises to help you relax. 
• Imagine how much more prepared and less anxious you will feel when the day of the cookout comes after you have accomplished these smaller goals. Instead of white-knuckling it, you manage to greet your friend, chat with a few acquaintances, and introduce yourself to someone new. You may have felt uncomfortable or anxious sometimes, but you also managed to stay for 90 minutes and leave feeling proud of yourself.   

7. Keep a progress journal:

• Keep a journal or log to track your social goals, actions, and progress. Record
  • each goal you set,
  • the steps you take to achieve it, and
  • your thoughts about it afterward.
• Tracking your progress allows you to see how far you’ve come, and identify areas for improvement.

8. Try using a rating scale:

• Rate your anxiety level before and after each social interaction using a scale from 1 to 10, with 1 representing minimal anxiety and 10 representing extreme anxiety. This helps you monitor changes in your anxiety levels over time and assess the effectiveness of your interventions and coping strategies.
• Document your ratings in your progress journal. It often surprises people to realize that an interaction that used to feel like an eight now only merits a four on their scale. It’s a real confidence booster to see this progress in black and white. I frequently hear clients say things like “I can’t believe that used to be hard for me!” 

9. Celebrate your achievements

• Speaking of seeing progress in your ratings and journal, remember to celebrate your achievements and milestones along the way. No matter how small they may seem, each time you step just a bit outside your comfort zone, you are taking positive steps towards overcoming social anxiety. Acknowledge your progress and give yourself credit for your efforts.

10. Seek feedback and support:

• Share your goals with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide encouragement, support, and feedback. Having a supportive network boosts your motivation and accountability, making it easier to stay on track with your goals.

When you set realistic goals and systematically work your way through accomplishing them, you can gradually build confidence, expand your comfort zone, and overcome social anxiety. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself throughout the process, and celebrate your progress along the way.

In subsequent parts of this series, I will continue to cover ten techniques to manage and overcome social anxiety.  

How I Can Help

If you are reading this and thinking, “This makes sense, but I want help to set realistic goals for my social anxiety,” I encourage you to consider working with a therapist. Therapy can help provide structure, hold you accountable, and offer you expertise around setting and achieving goals towards alleviating social anxiety. 

In fact, therapy is one of the ten techniques I’ll cover in this series! 

I invite you to reach out to me to discuss working with me in therapy to help you overcome social anxiety. I am authorized to see clients in online therapy in 40 states, and I have helped people with anxiety for over 20 years. 

Your first step is to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me. If I’m not available to be your therapist, I can provide you with appropriate resources so that you can find the help you are looking for.